Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
