ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
