if only i could text you this smell
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
