Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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