I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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