Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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