I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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