Cold hands, warm shart.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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