I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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