I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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