Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
