How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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