Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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