I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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