the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
