my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize