You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
