My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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