Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
