I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I need to align my fucking chakras
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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