I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have tasted many bathrooms
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
