Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
