obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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