I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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