This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
