My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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