There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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