It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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