and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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