My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
