I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
