i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize