life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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