I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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