I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
