They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize