what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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