Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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