i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
