my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
