There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
