you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
