Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
