A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
