just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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