This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
