i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
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