My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
