My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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