Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
