My sheets look like a crime scene.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
