i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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