Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
