I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
