I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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