I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
