Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Buhtt sex?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
