Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
