Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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