I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
