Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize