saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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