so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When are your genitals available?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
