Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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