I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
