I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
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