you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize