the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
