Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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