You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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