Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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